I am feeling that it's time for me to have a serious talk with my girlfriend.  She has created this environment of never-ending stress.  She lost her job when she was late, yet again.  They gave her ample warning about how low her dependability was, and she still could not force herself to get up.  She had one of the highest scores in her department, but it didn't make up for her inability to be there on time.  I understand that's a stressful thing all by itself, but she brought it on herself; and she feels the need to dump some of that on me.  She doesn't blame me, but she is constantly bringing down the mood of the environment around her. 

She wants me to get her a 'promise ring' for X-Mas, and she wants us to get an ornament for the tree.  A:  I HATE X-MAS!!!!!!  I am a 'Scrooge.'  I don't mind giving people gifts, or receiving them, but I hate the facade of these whole six weeks.  B: What?!?!?!?!  A 'promise ring'?!?!?!  What am I promising?  To loathe you by the end of this year?  Done.  Check that off the list. 

She had a job, but went about getting geared for it in all the wrong ways.  She was working a graveyard shift.  Her brilliant idea of staying up the night before so she could adjust was to go out drinking with friends?!?!?!?!  What the FUCK?!?!?!?!?!?  That's the worst idea I've ever heard!  I know she wasn't crazy about the job.  I know it paid shit in comparison to previous employment, but she has a daughter!  She should have thought all of this through before just turning off that alarm, or going out for those drinks.  So, of course, she didn't sleep well the next day, and looked dead when she went to work that first night. They sent her home, telling her to, "Get some rest, because you look like shit."  She slept through most of the next day.  In fact, she didn't even get up to take her kid to school.  Her daughter got her cell, and called my g/f's mom to take her to school.  This girl is four!  My g/f got hell for that from her mom too.  "Good", says I.

She went to work again last night.  Everything was going fine until she went outside for a cigarette.  Smoking is disgusting, I'd like to add.  Instead of just wrapping up in a jacket for a quick smoke, she took it in her car with the heat on.  She fell asleep for two hours!  It has been pretty much said that she has no job again.  Her parents live in town, and have offered to let her move back in...... especially since they're concerned about their grand daughter.  I'm strongly considering telling her that's the best avenue.  At the moment, it is!  I can't afford to pay her rent, utilities, cell phone, my student loans, my insurance, my credit card, and be able to survive.  There's no way. 

She keeps trying to get me to do all of this stuff, as if it's all a sign of her control over me.  I don't appreciate that at all.  "You said you would do the dishes."  No I didn't.  She's just been letting them accumulate while she's at home all day.  I'm working two jobs, and attending a few ensemble classes at a college.  This week, for example, has three concerts I'm playing in, two dress rehearsals on the night in between, over fifty hours between the two jobs, teaching private lessons, a once a month- five hour long- game I attend in another city, and my mother, who lives in another state, is extending her TDY just to see me.  If she really wants to deal with nasty dishes piling up, having nothing to eat on, and the large probability of roaches: I'll take care of them Saturday morning- since that's the first inkling of free time I'll have had since last weekend. I'm getting six hours of sleep between my days, and that's not an exaggeration.  And all she can do is stress me out more with all the afformentioned shit.

I feel as though I'm running a marathon with someone choking me every step of the way.  This ship is sinking fast, and I'm not one for bailing........... but ............. I'm not so selfless as to not save myself.

It's funny, but not really, because I'm getting the same signal in one of the ensembles I'm playing with.  There are too many people in there that can't play, or can't read, or have talent but don't practice, or they don't know their music at all.  There is too much "Dead weight," to quote my director.  "The ensemble will be considerably smaller next semester," he added, "but it will be much improved just by cutting these idiots loose."  I love to play- it's my major- but I am not looking forward to being embarassed at these concerts.  Part of my moms visit is coming to see the second concert, and I'm tempted to tell her to miss it.  I know, however, that she really just wants to come see her son perform, and she'll even take me out for free food afterwards.  I do so love to just relax over a meal after a concert.  I think I'll get a beer to help me unwind too.  That sounds awesome. 

I think the Universe is telling me that it's time to cut the dead weight in my life, and move on.  This girl and I have been together for over a year now, and that will make doing so VERY hard for me.  I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I think we are at the end of our journey together.  Ugh!  No fun......  Am I being selfish in this line of thought?  I don't think so, but maybe.... just maybe I am.

Currently Listening Interview With The Vampire: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack By Elliott Goldenthal see related

The problem isn't really a problem, but it's inconvenient as Hell sometimes.  It's been two years....... And it was two years before that...... So will it be another two years?  Or should I just have faith that it'll work out the way I want in the end?  Try as I may, the proactive attempts of one where two are needed is simply not enough.  I've gotten pretty good over the past couple of years at the whole alone thing.  I'd even go so far as to call it comfy, but.......... damn............ few things in life are as sweet as the welcoming touch of another. The natural warmth emitted by another human being in an embrace.  The emissions of their breath when an emotional flutter exists in you both.  The ever under-appreciated clasping of hands in a public place.  The soft caress of lips, with a rested cheek in an open palm, and a petting finger tracing that intimate jawline.  Kissing is by far one of my favorite, if not my favorite, little pleasures in life.  Of course their are the more physical things to be cherished as well, but..... I must confess to enjoying the calm stillness of two naked bodies touching in quiet serenity.  It goes back to the statement of natural warmth and closeness, and the nudity brings an all new height to it.  The amount of trust that must be there to lay naked not just before another human being, but with mind you is something that has you completely open and unshielded.  This is an important detail as it seems to be programmed into so many people that they should want to be close to others, but have all of these walls surrounding them simultaneously.  What kind of hypocritical B.S. is that?!?!?  Over the course of the prior mentioned four years, in total, I have struggled to tear down, and keep down, these very walls.  This is where the problem that is not a problem becomes apparent.  With no walls, I am naked before the world.  Open, and unshielded.  I wish to be free, and believe that my freedom is attainable through ridding myself of these walls.  For walls keep out danger, yes, but fun-filled life experiences as well.  Furthermore is a walls ability to contain.  I do not wish to contain myself, neglecting myself of the very freedom to live as full as I dare live.  Anything else, in my opinion, is sheer lunacy.  The consequence of raw, naked, emotion such as this is that it is easy to wound when it is exposed to something familiar, but never before without the previously mentioned barriers.  This familiar thing pierces a little deeper than it remembers, and is rather soar upon removal.  I can do nothing, but move on really.  I thought that I could maybe hold onto this bit of sweet nectar while attempting to continue forward, but perhaps not.  It seems to have sprouted limbs, and has since leapt away from my grasp.  I should like to catch it before it hits the dirt, but I admit to being willing to try to savor it some more even if it fell in mud.  If the whole world were wearing the mask of a court jester, and only a few were not: who then would be the fool?         

So I got paid the full $750 from MDS Academy. Yay!!!  I opened a savings account with $150, paid off my dad, and went to Wal Mart.  I got some food, and bought a hand full of movies.  The list includes V for Vendetta, Inside Man, The Animatrix (because I'm not for certain what happened to my first copy), Kiss of The Dragon, The One, and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.  Yay movies!  I still have plenty of mulah for my bills, and my upcoming trip over the weekend.  Well I have work in about two hours, so I'm going to finish my lunch and game it up a bit more.  I forgot to mention......... I beat the new Prince of Persia: The Two Thrones on Monday morning!!  Yay!!!  It's an amazing game!  All I need to do now is snag Warrior Within, and then I'll have beaten all three on my XBox!  Woot for gaming!!

                    -A****

So I've been following the events between the Israelis, and the Hezbahlans.  I don't think I've ever felt so adamantly about something as large scale as this before.  Civilians or not, these opposing militaries are killing people over land!  America's no better in my opinion, but that's another story.  This just felt like the final straw.  "Live, and let live," is how the saying goes; but how does letting the other nation live work when their people are dying?  How does that nation live when they must be too busy attempting to survive bombardments to live?  There's another saying: "Every man (person) has an influence on every other mans (persons) life."  Maybe you don't believe that, but I do.  Our interactions with each other as social animals, even on a mundane level, has an effect on our individual lives.  This is my attempt at influence on a scale much larger than myself.  If anyone who reads this would like to do so, I endorse the idea of writing your representative: pleading for a cease fire to be called in the name of LIFE.  I do think that population control is an issue, but to assume the responsibility over mother nature is not only wrong; it's a damned crude joke.  I'm not choosing sides between these armies, much as I have never chosen sides between America and Iraq (or who ever we're fighting now), but that is because their is only hate and greed motivating these pointless disputes.  All it would take is for them to recognize the other's right to live.  "Live, and let live."  Then who owns the land wouldn't fucking matter, and we wouldn't have people dying for piles of sand and, currently, rubble.  I've been thinking about this a lot over the past few days, and I almost cry every time I do.  The loss of life is painful to me in a way that I can not describe.  I've never felt this strongly about it before.  Please....... I implore all who choose to do so, to write their appropriate leaders and plead for a cease fire.  I am not foolish enough to think that I can change these things, but I do want to attempt to influence my fellow human.  Not manipulate........ influence.  Speak with their greatest sense of humanity.